THIS is that rather difficult time of year when we’re meant to look back over what we’ve achieved since last January 1st and resolve to do even better over the coming 12 months. In my desire to achieve total perfection, I am happy to join in this tradition. However, I always get stuck at the very first stage, when I’m reflecting on what I’ve done.
The trouble is, I can’t remember.
I don’t know what I’ve been up to this past year, because it’s all fallen into a jumble of vague, haphazard memories.
Where was I on my birthday, for example? Absolutely not the first idea..
And where were we at Easter? A total blank.
Have I done anything for the betterment of myself and/or mankind at large? Not a clue.
Who am I? Not entirely sure. And who wants to know, anyway?
So I am approaching this New Year with a blank sheet. There seems to be nothing I can look back on and reproach myself about, and therefore nothing to put on a list of things headed ‘Must Do Better’. A nice white, unsullied sheet of paper suits me best. It says ‘New Year 2006’ and I have my pen poised over it ready to start listing my resolutions.
No.1: tell the truth. OK, I’ll come clean: it’s not a pen that’s poised over it, it’s a very beautiful pencil that my daughter gave me for doing Sudoko puzzles. A biro makes such a mess when you’re as useless as I am and have to keep doing crossings-out.
2. Stop wasting so much time on Sudoku. It is far too late to try and prove that I have a fully operating brain cell.
3. Spend that saved time on something constructive – something that does not involve needlework, arranging flowers or any aspect of housework.
4. Read more books. Two or three a week can surely be improved upon.
5. Write down the name of each book I read so that I stop the annoying habit of reading the same one twice. Depressingly, I sometimes do this after a gap of just a few months and discover there is something familiar only when I’m two-thirds of the way through. I have to read to the end, of course, because I am unable to recall what happens.
6. Lose weight. To achieve this, I must stop deluding myself. I must not think that my problems will be solved by simply reading a book about some miracle diet while continuing to eat at the same rate.
7. Become a better cook. To achieve this, I must stop deluding myself. I must not think that simply reading a book by some talented chef will miraculously turn me into the new version of Delia.
8. Take more exercise. To achieve this, I must stop deluding myself. I must not think that just owning a pair of running shoes and a bicycle is enough. I have to use them.
9. Campaign tirelessly for a good cause and earn people’s undying admiration and gratitude. The first good cause I can think of is the eradication of the word ‘anymore’ from written English. It is ‘any more’, and should for ever (not forever, please note) remain so. All right? (Note: not alright.)
10. Stop being dull, pedantic and obsessed with trivia.
Happy New Year everyone!